Healing after breakup

A reflection on grief after break up

“It’s January 2022, and I see myself going through a breakup, it’s been way too many and I recognize the pain. It is a known sadness, it seems like an old friend that came back for a visit. I allow her to come in of course, and I ask her: “hello old friend, what do you need from me?”

And she is shy, but she says: “I just need you, just a little bit of you. I need attention, I need to know that I am not alone.” She has no other messages, she just needs to be here with me. As I allow myself to feel, I notice the pain of sadness is now inviting another visitor. 

Sometimes with a breakup, the second visitor is Anger. In my case, there is no reason for anger to show up. My new visitor is someone so special, and so sweet. It’s my youngest part, my sweet inner child, who I lovingly call, Little Me. Little Me comes a little shy as well, and she is not fussing as she usually is, she is calm and at peace. She is still here though, and she is sad too. I welcome her with a smile on my face: “hi my love, you came too?” I was expecting you, please have a seat beside me.

My whole body aches while Sadness and Little Me make themselves at home. The wave of grief is here to stay. I have surfed this wave before, it is a “rough sea” kind of wave. But after a while, the ocean calms down and I am back on my feet again. And here I move and go about my days, my lovely two guests ebb and flow, and I feel it all. It hurts, and then it doesn’t hurt anymore. It aches like a stomach ache and then it doesn’t anymore. I cry and then my tear ducts dry out.

I catch myself cocooned in bed allowing it all, I do not want to do anything. My thoughts are relentless, bringing me all sorts of messages, I don’t believe them at all. They are not the absolute truth. The only truth I know at this moment is that I am going to be okay no matter what. My inner knowing is so grounded in this truth that no exterior message bothers me anymore. With all that comfort, Sadness opens space for another part of me to enter the space, this part is powerful and very needed.

Gratitude shows up with all her magnitude and makes Little Me smile. Gratitude brings hope and love to all the parts, they all seem to relax and bow to her because, after all, she is who she is because of the meaning she brings to all the parts. And me? I just feel it all again, I see all my parts in front of me, they all have a reason to be here. Again, my inner knowing helps me ground and just be. There is nothing else to do, there is no meaning-making needed, there is just presence with what is.”

– Erica K.

And just like that, Erica found her magic formula to go about her grieving process. It doesn’t necessarily work like that for everyone, the grieving process is different for each person.

Grieving the end of a relationship is so important and I would love to help you during yours. I am launching a Healing after breakup support group very soon. This group is for you if you’re feeling lost and don’t know where to start, or if sadness is so overwhelming that you don’t know how to sit with it, grieving comes in waves and it is not linear. Magic happens when we learn to comfort our emotions and give space for them. When we allow all the parts of us that are hurt to have a voice and listen to them.

There is a way out, I promise, but you have to swim with the waves, not against them.

Please join my waiting list below if you feel called.